The Rocky Fellowship Palantir Show

Title: The Rocky Fellowship Palantir Show

Author: Sarah

Category: Parody, humor, slash

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: Aragorn/Frodo, Aragorn/Legolas, Aragorn/Sam, Frodo/Legolas, Frodo/Sam, Pippin/Boromir, Pippin/Merry…am I missing anyone…?

Archive: Just ask me first.

Feedback: Is welcomed, send to nonnie_star@yahoo.com

Description: Yes folks, I’ve done it now. I’ve managed to kill TWO FANDOMS AT ONCE!!! This is The Rocky Horror Picture Show with an all Middle Earth cast! I’ve basically taken the script for Rocky Horror and…Middle Earthed it, changing song lyrics and lines to fit in more with our favorite Hobbits, Elves, Men, Wizard and Dwarf.

Disclaimer: I fully admit to just taking other people’s work, tweaking it a bit, and passing it off as fanfiction. I do not own anything, least of all Rocky Horror Picture Show or Lord of the Rings, or anything else I may happen to mention. I’m not making any money off of this. I do it out of my own perversion, boredom, and insanity.

Author’s Notes: This started off, ironically enough, from a discussion with a friend about how LOTR couldn’t work as a Rocky parody. Then that discussion turned completely around and became about how it COULD work. Odd. I owe everything to the great LOTR parody writers whose works I love and adore. Any mention of Pervy Hobbit Fanciers and Sam killing people I lovingly borrowed from that Goddess of LOTR slash parody Cassandra Claire and the V.S.D’s. Gimli’s "och" was borrowed from Bagenders (Och is one of my favorite words because of those fics) I salute you Lady Alyssa and of course, Random Dent. And the naked dancing elves are borrowed from my best pal Julie’s hilarious Mary-Sue (which stands out proudly from the generally pointless drivel contained in that genre). A lot of this probably makes very little sense, it will probably only be funny if you’ve seen Rocky Horror at least a few times and have at least a surface knowledge of LOTR. The song lyrics are really REALLY bad (like really lame rhyming scemes, or some have just abandoned rhyming altogether--Middle Earth names don't lend themselves to rhyme very easily I've discovered), but surprisingly enough some lines and lyrics didn’t need that much tweaking to make sense (or my crazed version of sense). Ok, I’ve rambled on FAR long enough, and it’s 4 am currently and I’ve been working on this fic non-stop for the past 2 days and I just want to post and go to bed. Hope you all enjoy it!

The Rocky Fellowship Palantir Show

Frodo – Janet Weiss

Sam – Brad Majors

Aragorn – Dr. Frank N. Furter

Legolas – Rocky Horror

Gandalf – Dr. Everett Scott

Gimli – Riff Raff

Pippin – Columbia

Merry – Magenta

Boromir – Eddie

Galadriel – Narrator

Bilbo – Ralph Hapschat

<And so we begin…>

Choir of Random Elves:

Isildur was ill

The Day Middle Earth Stood Still

But he told us where we stand.

And Sauron was there

In iron underwear,

Elrond forgot his helmet, oh man.

Then things got all forked

For the Goblins and Orcs;

They got caught in a nuclear blast.

Then at a deadly pace

The ring got all misplaced

And this is how it came to pass:

Chorus:

Middle Earth, Ring of Power

Saruman lives in a tower.

See spiders fighting Sam and Frodo

Gandalf and Balrog, fall into shadow

Wo Oh Oh Oh Oh

At the late night, Middle Earth, palantir show.

Choir of Random Elves:

I knew Gollum (or Smeagol)

Was swift as an eagle

And with the ring took to the hills.

And I almost said "Stop it!"

When I saw that Hobbit

Fight a dragon that spits fire and kills.

Then Gollum met Bilbo

Nothing nice rhymes with Bilbo

And passed on the ring by mistake.

His precioussss was gone

Said Gollum to no one

And he went off to wither away

Chorus:

Middle Earth, Ring of Power

Saruman lives in a tower

See spiders fighting Sam and Frodo

Gandalf and Balrog fall into shadow

Wo Oh Oh Oh Oh

At the late night, Middle Earth, palantir show.

I wanna go

Oh Oh Oh

To the late night, Middle Earth, palantir show.

But not alone,

Oh Oh Oh

To the late night, Middle Earth, palantir show.

Frodo’s a ho,

Oh Oh Oh

To the late night, Middle Earth, palantir show!

<Welcome to the Shire, all the happy Hobbits are gathered around, drunk off their asses, watching Bilbo make a toast>

Bilbo: Well it’s my 111^th birthday!

Frodo: Go Bilbo!

Bilbo: I love you all but well, I have to go. Goodbye!

<Bilbo suddenly disappears—everyone is momentarily shocked, then they go back to their ale>

Frodo: Huh?

Sam: Weird. <notices Bilbo’s ring, picks it up> Oh well, great party, huh Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: Oh Sam, wasn't it wonderful? Didn't Bilbo look great? I can't believe it. The man’s 111 years old and he doesn’t look a day over 60. How does he do it?

Sam: Yes Mr. Frodo, Bilbo's a lucky Hobbit.

Frodo: Yes.

Sam: Uh…Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: Yes Sam?

Sam: I've got something to say.

Frodo: Uh huh.

Sam: I really love the... skillful way... you …<whispers something into Frodo’s ear>.

Frodo: Oh Sam!

<Sam starts singing and dancing like a freak…Frodo acts like this is an everyday occurrence...this explains a lot>

Sam:

The Brandywine was deep but I swam it. (Frodo)

The future is ours so let's plan it. (Frodo)

So please, don't tell me to can it. (Frodo)

I've one thing to say and that's Oh no! Frodo! I love you.

The road was long but I ran it. (Frodo)

There's a fire in my loins and you fan it. (Frodo)

If there's one Sam for you then I am it. (Frodo)

I've one thing to say and that's Oh no! Frodo! I love you.

Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker.

There's three ways that love can grow.

That's good, bad, or mediocre.

Oh, F-R-O-D-O I love you so.

Frodo:

Oh, it's nicer than the one Bilbo had. (Oh Sam)

Now it’s all mine and I'm so glad (Oh Sam)

If Bilbo saw it he’d be so sad. (Oh Sam)

I've one thing to say and that's Sam, I'm mad, for you too.

Oh Sam...

Sam:

Oh... dammit!

Frodo:

I'm mad...

Sam:

Oh, Frodo!

Frodo:

For you.

Sam:

I love you too.

Sam & Frodo:

There's one thing left to do - ah - oo.

Sam:

And that's go see the man who began it. (Frodo)

When we met in his magic exam - it (Frodo)

Made me give you the eye and then panic. (Frodo)

Now I've one thing to say and that's Oh no! Frodo, I love you.

Oh no! Frodo.

Frodo:

Oh Sam, I'm mad.

Sam:

Oh no! Frodo.

Sam & Frodo:

I love you!

Frodo: In a strictly platonic way of course.

Sam: Damn! I mean…of course…heh…sigh…

Galadriel: I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey. It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Sam Gamgee and his um…friend… Frodo Baggins, two young, ordinary, healthy Hobbits, left the Shire that evening, to visit a Gandalf, powerful wizard, and friend to both of them. It's true there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black, and pendulous, towards which they were walking. Also, there appeared to be some crazed cloaked men on black horses about that looked rather worrisome but, they being normal Hobbits and, on a night out...well, they were not going to let the Nazgul spoil the events of their evening, were they? On a night out...it was a night out they were going to remember for a very long time. I said night out far too many times just then didn’t I? That’s the LAST time I get Haldir to write up my cue cards….smug little blonde bitch is gonna pay…anyway, Sam, Frodo, walking through the woods, in the dark…

Frodo: Gosh, that's the third black rider that's passed us. We sure are taking our lives in our hands walking around here.

Sam: Yes, our life's pretty cheap to that type.

Frodo: What's the matter, Sam?

Sam: Hmmm…we must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back.

Frodo: Oh, but where did that black rider come from?

Sam: Well I guess we could always turn back.

<They suddenly hear a piercing scream. Once they are both quite sure it didn’t come out of either of them, Frodo inquires about it>

Frodo: What was that shriek!?

Sam: They must know we’re here. DAMMIT! I knew I should have brought weapons or rope or something. Well, you just stay here and I'll go for help.

Frodo: But where will you go? We're in the middle of nowhere?

Sam: Didn't we pass an Inn back down the road a few miles? Maybe they have a palantir I could use.

Frodo: I'm going with you.

Sam: Oh, no, there's no sense in both of us getting brutally slaughtered.

Frodo: I'm coming with you! Besides Sam, the owner of that palantir might be a beautiful woman, and you might never come back again.

Sam: Heh, heh, heh, heh, somehow I don’t see that happening Mr. Frodo.

<They approach the inn—it’s all dark and spooky…ooh…>

Frodo:

In the creepy darkness,

Of the blackest night,

Burning bright, there's a flaming eye.

No matter what or who you are.

Sam & Frodo:

There's an eye...

Chorus:

Over top the slopes of Mount Doom.

Sam & Frodo:

There's an eye...

Chorus:

Burning from the fires of Mordor...

Sam & Frodo:

There's a eye, eye in the darkness that’s lidless and wreathed in flame

Gimli:

The fellowship must go down the mountain pass of Caradhras.

Och Moria och, let the sun and light run screaming

Out of my life. Out my life...

Sam & Frodo:

There's an eye...

Chorus:

Over top the slopes of Mount Doom.

Sam & Frodo:

There's an eye...

Chorus:

Burning from the fires of Mordor.

There's an eye, eye…

Sam & Frodo:

...in the darkness that’s lidless and wreathed in flame.

Galadriel: CELEBORN! If you don’t bring back my tiara I’m going to KILL you! And you KNOW I’d do it too! Oh, sorry…<ahem> And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Sam and Frodo and that they had found the assistance that their plight required. ...Or had they?

<Sam and Frodo knock on the large door of the inn>

Frodo: Sam, let's go back, I'm cold and I'm frightened...

Sam: Just a moment Mr. Frodo, they might have a palantir.

<The door opens to reveal a stocky, hairy, helmeted fellow—Gimli>

Gimli: Hello, och.

Sam: Hi! My name is Sam Gamgee, and this is my um…friend, Frodo Baggins. I wonder if you could help us. You see, we got lost a few miles up the road... do you have a palantir we might use?

Gimli: You're shorrrt

Frodo: Yes – we’re Hobbits.

Sam: Yes.

Gimli: Och... I think perrrrhaps you betterrrr both come inside.

Frodo: You're too kind. <Frodo gives Sam a look of death as they walk in, Gimli closes the door behind them> Oh Sam, I'm frightened. What kind of a place is this?

Sam: Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for mysterious rangers.

Frodo: Oh.

Gimli: This way.

Frodo: Are you having a party?

Gimli: Och, you've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the Rangerrrrr’s affairs.

Frodo: Oh, lucky him.

<Merry, who has been, inexplicably, straddling the banister (and, even more inexplicably has an enormous afro and is holding a feather duster…don’t want to know….I DON’T want to know…) suddenly raises his head to speak>

Merry: You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! Ha ha ha! Ok…whoa, that was some DAMN good pipe weed…<he unceremoniously falls OFF the banister>

Gimli:

It's astounding;

Mind is fuzzy;

Madness takes its toll.

But listen closely...

Merry:

Not for very much longer.

Gimli:

I've got to keep control.

I remember putting the ring on

Drinking those moments when

The blackness would hit me

Gimli & Merry:

And the ring would be calling...

<They are all suddenly in a room with a bunch of naked, dancing elves…WHOOHOO!!!>

Elves:

Let's put the ring on again.

Galadriel:

It's just a jump to the left.

All:

And then a step to the right.

Galadriel:

Put one hand on the ring.

All:

And put it on real tight

But once you have it on

It really drives you insane.

Let's put the ring on again.

Merry:

It's so dreamy, oh Sauron free me.

So you can't see me, no, not at all.

In another dimension, with voyeuristic intentions

Well secluded, I see all.

Gimli:

With a bit of a hand flip

Merry:

You're under the ring’s grip.

Gimli:

And nothing can ever be the same.

Merry:

You're spaced out on sensation.

Gimli:

Like you're under sedation.

All:

Let's put the ring on again.

<Pippin appears, decked out all in gold…I guess it was laundry day?>

Pippin:

Well I was sitting at the pub just a-having a drink

When this big flamey guy gave me an evil wink.

He shook me up, he took me by surprise

He was disembodied, just had one big eye.

He stared at me and I felt a change.

Time meant nothing, never would again.

All:

Let's put the ring on again.

Galadriel:

It's just a jump to the left!

All:

And then a step to the right.

Galadriel:

With one hand on the ring....

All:

And put it on real tight

But once you have it on

It really drives you insane.

Let's put the ring on again.

All:

Let's put the ring on again.

Galadriel:

It's just a jump to the left!!

All:

And then a step to the right.

Galadriel:

With one hand on the ring!...

All:

And put it on real tight

But once you have it on

it really drives you insane.

Let's put the ring on again.

<The elves collapse in a perverse looking heap—which I would gladly kill to be a part of>

Frodo: Sam, say something.

Sam: Say, are you guys elves?

Frodo: Sam, please, let's get out of here.

Sam: For Elbereth’s sake keep a grip on yourself Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: But it... it seems so unhealthy here.

Sam: It's just a party, Frodo.

Frodo: Well - I want to go.

Sam: Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a palantir.

Frodo: Well then ask the weird hairy guy or someone.

Sam: Just a moment, Mr. Frodo - we don't want to interfere with their celebration. They're probably wood elves with ways different than our own. They may do some more...folk dancing. Yeah…come on…dance some more…pretty pretty elves….

Frodo: Sam! Stop drooling! Look, I'm cold, I’m short, and I'm just plain scared!

Sam: I'm here - there's nothing to worry about. Gandalf said "Don’t you leave him Samwise Gamgee." And I don’t mean to.

<Suddenly Aragorn appears seemingly from out of nowhere. I HATE it when he does that stealthy ranger thing. It’s just CREEPY!>

Aragorn:

How do you do, I

See you've met my

Faithful ax wielding dwarf.

He's just a little brought down

Because when you knocked

He thought that you might be an orc.

Don't get strung out by the way I look.

Don't judge a man by his stubble.

I might smell like a badger and other gross things

But one day not far off I will be your king!

I'm Aragorn son of Arathorn!

Heir of Isildur! Keeper of the sword that was broken and reforged again <gasps for breath>!

Let me show you around

Maybe skin you a rabbit

You look like you're both pretty hungry

Or if you want something visual

That's not too abysmal,

I could make Merry and Pippin mud wrestle…no? Well it was worth a shot…

Sam:

We’re just so glad that you’re here,

Could we use your palantir?

We're both in a bit of a hurry.

Frodo: Right.

Sam:

We'll just call up our friend,

Then go back to Bag End.

We don't want to be any worry.

Aragorn:

So you got lost in the woods, hmm, that’s not good

Well, Hobbits, don't you panic.

By the light of the night it'll all seem alright.

‘Cause I'll slaughter anything that comes near you! Yes, I’m just that hard core.

I'm Aragorn son of Arathorn!

Heir of Isildur! Keeper of the sword that was broken and reforged again <gasps for breath>!

Why don't you stay for the night?

Gimli:

Night. Och.

Aragorn:

Or maybe a bite?

Pippin:

Bite. Oooh, what are we having?

Aragorn:

I could show you my favorite obsession.

I've been making an elf

He’s a blonde and quite stealth

And he's good for relieving my...tension

I'm Aragorn son of Arathorn!

Heir of Isildur! Keeper of the sword that was broken and reforged again <gasps for breath>!

HIT IT, HIT IT!

I’m Aragorn son of Arathorn

Aragorn, Pippin, Gimli, Merry:

Aragorn son of Arathorn!

Aragorn:

Heir of Isildur….

Pippin, Gimli, Merry:

Keeper of the sword that was broken and reforged again <they all gasp for breath>!

Aragorn:

So - come up to the lair,

And see what I have there.

I see you shiver with antici --- pation.

But maybe the ring

Isn't really to blame.

So I'll remove the cause.

But not the symptom.

<Aragorn disappears…how does he DO that??? Pippin and Merry take the cloaks and packs from Sam and Frodo>

Sam: Hi, my name is Sam Gamgee, and this is my friend, Frodo Baggins.

Pippin: You're very lucky to be invited up to Aragorn's lair. Some Hobbits would give their right arm for the privilege.

Sam: Hobbits like you maybe.

Pippin: Ha! I've seen it. Ass.

Sam: Shut up. And stop touching Mr. Frodo like that!

Gimli: Och, come along - the Rangerrrrr doesn't like to be kept waiting.

Sam: Is he, um, Aragorn I mean - is he married? Not that I’m interested or anything…I mean…

Gimli: The Rangerrrr is not yet married, nor do I think he ever will be. Well he had something going with some elf bitch named Arwen but he keeps telling us that’s over.

Sam: Oh.

Aragorn: Merry, Pippin - go assist Gimli.

<They roll their eyes and go toward Gimli, who is standing next to something wrapped in leaves and green fabric>

Sam: I’m Sam Gamgee. This is my friend, Frodo Baggins.

Frodo: Underhill.

Sam: Underhill?

Aragorn: Well! How nice. It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them... hospitality.

Sam: Hospitality!? All we wanted to do was to use your palantir, Goddammit, a reasonable request, which you've chosen to ignore!

Frodo: Sam, don't be ungrateful.

Sam: Ungrateful!

Aragorn: How forceful you are, Sam. Such a perfect specimen of Hobbithood. So...dominant. You must be awfully proud of him, Frodo.

Frodo: Well, yes I am.

Gimli: Everything is in readiness, Rangerrrrr. We merely await yourrrr... word. Och.

Aragorn: Tonight, my shiny elf companions... you are about to witness a new breakthrough in elvish medicine... and paradise is to be mine! It was strange the way it happened... The answer was there all the time, it took a small accident to make it happen... AN ACCIDENT...

Pippin: An accident! If that’s what you’re going to call getting so hopped up on pipe weed you thought you were an Elvish princess for a week and…

Aragorn: SHUT UP PIPPIN!!! ….<ahem>….um…and that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient, that SPARK that is the breath of life... Yes, I have that knowledge... I hold the secret... to life... itself! And it is OLD TOVEY!!! You see, you are fortunate for tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be BORN! Now ...everyone, light up your pipes... and blow out a smoke ring THREE MORE TIMES!

Frodo: Oh, Sam!

Sam: It's all right, Mr. Frodo!

Aragorn: Oh! Legolas!

<Legolas takes one look at Aragorn and begins bounding across the room like a gazelle on speed>

Legolas:

The sword of Anduril is hanging over my head,

And I've got the feeling that I’m going to be wanted in bed.

Legolas:

Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery.

Oh, can't you see, that I'm the object of lust of a smelly old ranger.

I woke up this morning with a start falling out of my tree.

All:

That ain't no lie.

Legolas:

And left from my dreaming was a feeling that somebody wants me.

All:

That ain't no lie.

Legolas:

I have a bow, I'm dressed down with no place to go.

And all I know is I'm the object of lust of a smelly old ranger.

All:

Sha-la-la-la that ain't no lie.

Legolas:

Oh ai ai ai!

All:

Sha-la-la-la that ain't no lie.

Legolas:

Oh ai ai ai!

All:

Sha-la-la-la that ain't no lie.

Legolas:

Oh ai ai ai!

Legolas:

The sword of Anduril is hanging over my head.

All:

That ain't no lie.

Legolas:

And I've got the feeling that I’m going to be wanted in bed.

All:

Sha-la-la-la that ain't no lie.

Legolas:

Oh, woe is me, my life is a mystery

And, can't you see, I’m the object of lust of a smelly old ranger

All:

Sha-la-la-la that ain't no lie.

Legolas:

Oh ai ai ai!

All:

Sha-la-la-la that ain't no lie.

Legolas:

Oh ai ai ai

All:

Sha-la-la-la that ain't no lie, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no lie.

<Aragorn finally catches Legolas, who looks at him guiltily>

Aragorn: Well really. That's no way to behave on your first day out.

Legolas: Ai.

Aragorn: But since you're such an exceptional beauty, I am prepared to forgive you.

Legolas: Ai.

Aragorn: Oh, I just love success.

Gimli: Och, he's a credit to your genius, Rangerrrr. And I HATE elves….really…

Aragorn: Yes.

Merry: A triumph of your will.

Aragorn: Yes.

Pippin: He's alright I guess.

Aragorn: Alright you guess? Alright!?!? I think we can do better than that. Humph! Well, Sam and Frodo, what do you think of him?

Frodo: Well, I don't like elves with too many muscles.

Sam: I do!

Frodo: Sam!

Sam: What?

Aragorn: I didn't make him FOR YOU!

<Aragorn gives Legolas many weapons and exercise equipment. Legolas looks rather confused…well wouldn’t anyone?>

Aragorn:

A wood elf weighing ninety-eight pounds

Will get leaves in his face

When kicked to the ground;

And soon in the trees with a determined chin,

The sweat from his pores as he works for his cause

Will make him glisten ...and gleam.

And with massage, and just a little bit of steam,

He'll be pink and quite clean

He'll be a strong elf.

Aragorn & Elves:

But the wrong elf.

Aragorn:

He'll eat nutritious high protein. And swallow raw lembas...

Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and... legs.

Such an effort if he only knew of my plan.

In just seven days...

Aragorn & Elves:

I can make you an elf!

Aragorn:

He'll do press-ups, and chin-ups, use a bow, shoot some orcs.

His use of daggers and arrows hardly looks like work.

Such strenuous living I just don't understand,

When in just seven days, oh Legolas, ...I can make you an elf.

<suddenly Boromir rides out on Bill the Pony. Boromir has 3 arrows sticking out of his chest. Oddly enough, this doesn’t seem to phase him.>

Pippin: Boromir!

Boromir:

Whatever happened to those Uruk Hai,?

I killed a ton and I felt alright?

I don't feel the same since three huge arrows

Plunged into my chest, and kinda made me die

I used to walk around with a Hobbit named Pip

Who lucky for me only came up to my hip.

I taught him how to fight and then I saved his life

Then he got kidnapped, you know I could have used some back up

Horn of Gondor, summon the armies, I really love to blow that horn.

I woke up nearly drowned in a half sunken boat

They chucked me down the falls, did they think I would float?

I crawled my way back here it took a really long time

Aragorn give back those bracers cause I know that they’re mine.

Give back my hobbit put some clothes on that elf

Or I’ll blow the damn horn until you kill yourself

Who the hell are these two new hobbits they’re kinda cute too

Yeah, I’m a pervy hobbit fancier, what the hell is it to you???

Horn of Gondor, summon the armies, I really love to blow that horn.

Aragorn: One from the fellowship. Oh Legolas!.. Don't be upset... It was a mercy killing... he had a certain naive charm, but those arrows, they’re creepy...

But some cute braids in your blonde hair

A loin cloth you’re almost stripped bare

Makes me, oooh, shake,

Makes me want to take my elf by the...ha-ha-hand.

Aragorn & Elves:

In just seven days I can make you an elf.

Frodo:

I'm a muscle fan!

Sam: Frodo!

Frodo: What?

Aragorn:

In just seven days, I can make you an elf

Done all by myself

In just seven days, I can make you an elf.

Elves: Aragorn and Legolas, rah-rah-rah! Aragorn and Legolas, rah-rah-rah! Aragorn and Legolas, rah-rah-rah! Aragorn and Legolas, rah-rah-rah!

<Aragorn leads Legolas into another room, Legolas looks afeared…>

Galadriel: A shadow and a threat was growing in the minds of Sam and Frodo as the other guests departed, and they were shown to their separate rooms. A shadow and a threat is growing in my mind too, my favorite gown is missing and it’s Elrond’s karaoke night. If I go down there and find him belting out Mama Mia in MY dress there’ll be hell to pay…

<Frodo wakes up to see someone coming into his bedroom…I wish random people would just come into my bedroom to offer me sex…sigh>

Frodo: Who is it? Who's there?

Aragorn (Sam): It's only me, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: Oh, Sam, come in. Oh! Sam Oh... wait what are you doing?

Aragorn (Sam): It's all right, Frodo, everything's going to be alright.

Frodo: Oh, I hope so, Sam. Ah...ahh OHHH! Oh it's you!

Aragorn: I'm afraid so Frodo, but isn't it nice...?

Frodo: Oh, you beast, you monster….you….pervy hobbit fancier!...Oh what have you done with Sam?

Aragorn: Oh, well, nothing. Why, do you think I should?

Frodo: You tricked me...I wouldn't have...I've never...never...

Aragorn: Yes, yes I know, but it isn't all bad, is it? I think you really found it quite pleasurable.

Frodo: Oh, stop...I mean help...Sam. Sam! Oh Sam!!

Aragorn: Shhh. Sam's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like...This!

<Frodo’s legs are suddenly in the air>

Frodo: Like this...like how??! Oh, it's your fault...you're to blame... I was saving myself...

Aragorn: Well, I'm sure you're not SPENT yet...

Frodo: Promise you won't tell Sam?

Aragorn: I swear to protect you from Sam’s wrath…

<They start doing naughty things under the sheets>

<Sam wakes up to find someone entering his bedroom>

Aragorn (Frodo): Oh, Sam, it's no good here. It'll destroy us.

Sam: Don't worry Mr. Frodo, we'll be away from here in the morning.

Aragorn (Frodo): Oh, Sam you're so strong and protective.

<Sam, being less crazy than Frodo, notices that this is not Frodo but ...an IMPOSTER! Of the smelly ranger variety…damn him!>

Sam: YOU!

Aragorn: I'm afraid so, Sam, but isn't it nice...?

Sam: Why YOU! What have you done with Frodo?

Aragorn: Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?

Sam: You tricked me, I wouldn't have...I've never never...never...

Aragorn: Oh Yes yes, I know...but it isn't all bad, is it? Not even half bad, I think you really quite enjoyed it.

Sam: Stop it...stop it...oh Mr. Frodo...FRODO!

Aragorn: Shhh! Frodo's probably asleep by now, do you want him to see you... like this!

<Sam’s legs are in the air…is anyone else feeling an overwhelming sense of d�j� vu? Maybe it’s just me…>

Sam: Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame, I thought it was the real thing!

Aragorn: Oh come on, Sam, admit it, you liked it, didn't you? There's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure. Oh Sam, you've wasted so much time already...Frodo needn't know, I won't tell him.

Sam: Well, if you promise you won't tell...

Aragorn: On Isildur’s graoouuuuuu....

Gimli: <appearing in a palantir in Sam’s room> Och, Rangerrrrr, Legolas has broken his chains and vanished. The new playelf is loose and prancing around outside the Inn. Merry has just released… the Orcs.

Aragorn: Mmmmm? Coming!

<Aragorn continues to be naughty with Sam>

<Meanwhile, Frodo, consumed with guilt (and possibly a little ring-induced craziness), is running amok in the inn, he reaches the lair and proceeds to loudly whine>

Frodo: What's happening here? Where's Sam? Where's anybody? Oh, Sam. Sam, my dear friend, how could I have done this to you? Oh, if only we hadn't made this journey... if only the ring wasn’t so shiny... oh, if only we were amongst friends... Or sane persons, Oh Sam, what have they done with you...

<Frodo turns on the palantir to see Sam and Aragorn enjoying a post coital pipe>

Frodo: BASTARD!

Legolas: Ai…ai…owie owie…ai…

<Frodo notices a heap of blankets in the corner, Legolas is lying on top of them, all banged up…perfect flesh marred…silky blonde locks tattered….loin cloth torn to shreds…I’m…done…now…>

Frodo: Oh, but you're hurt...Did they do this to you? Here, I'll dress your wounds... <rips bits off of his cloak…the elves won’t mind…really> there...

Galadriel: Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind...Vehement or excited mental state. It is a direct result of too much exposure to the ring of power...and from what Merry and Pippin eagerly viewed on their palantir there seemed little doubt that Frodo was, indeed, its slave.

<Merry and Pippin are getting cozy with each other, their pipes, and a couple of pints…that should make for an interesting evening…>

Merry and Pippin: Tell us about it, Frodo.

Frodo:

I was feeling done in, couldn't win

I'd only ever kissed before.

Pippin: You mean he’s...

Merry: Uh huh.

Frodo:

I thought there's no use getting

Into Hobbit petting

It only leads to trouble

And feet sweating.

Now all I want to know is how to go.

I've tasted ranger; I want more.

Merry and Pippin:

More, more, more PIPE WEED!!!

Frodo:

I'll put up no resistance

I want to stay the distance

I've got an itch to scratch

I need assistance.

Toucha toucha toucha touch me

I want to be dirty...

Legolas: <interrupting> Um I hate to disrupt your song, I mean, you’re obviously on a roll, but well, I’m an Elf, therefore, dirt repellent, so I can’t make you dirty no matter how hard I try. I’m sorry.

Frodo: No no no, I meant dirty in the sexual sense. If you catch my drift. <he raises his eyebrows suggestively>

Legolas: <looks confused for a moment, then a look of sudden understanding comes over him> OH! Sure I can do that!

Frodo: Great!

Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me

Creature of the woods!

Then if anything grows, while you pose,

I'll oil you up and rub you down.

Merry and Pippin:

Down, down, down PUT THAT PIPE DOWN! IT’S MINE!!!

Frodo:

And that's just one small fraction of the main attraction

You need a friendly hand and I need action.

Toucha toucha toucha touch me

I want to be dirty – in the sexual sense, not actually covered in literal dirt

Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me

Creature of the woods.

Pippin:

Toucha toucha toucha touch me

Merry:

I want to be dirty.

Pippin:

Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me, and give me that godsdammed pipe, BITCH!!!

Merry:

Creature of the woods. AAAAAH! GET OFF!!!

Frodo:

Oh, toucha toucha toucha touch me I want to be dirty

Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me, creature of the woods.

<they roll around blissfully>

Legolas:

Creature of the woods

Sam:

Creature of the woods?

Aragorn:

Creature of the woods.

Merry:

Creature of the woods.

Gimli:

Creature of the woods.

Pippin:

Creature of the woods.

Legolas:

Creature of the woods!

Frodo:

Creature of the woods.

<Aragorn, Gimli, and Sam come in to the lair, Aragorn is whipping Gimli…I guess just so we could get some BDSM in here? I don’t know…anyway>

Gimli: Och! Merrrrrcy!

Aragorn: How did it happen? I understood you were to be watching!

Gimli: Och. I was only away for a minute...Rangerrrrr

Aragorn: Well, see if you can find him on the palantir.

Gimli: Och, Rangerrr...we have a visitor.

Sam: Hey, that’s Gandalf!

Gimli: You know this wizard?

Sam: I most certainly do! He happens to be an old friend of mine.

Aragorn: I see. So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. You came here with a purpose.

Sam: I told you, we were being chased by scary shrieking guys on black horses. A person doesn’t just make something like that up!!!

Aragorn: I know what you told me...but this Gandalf, his name is not unknown to me.

Sam: He’s a wizard who hangs around the shire a lot. Big fan of the pipe weed…?

Aragorn: And now he works for Saruman, doesn't he, Sam? He's in the service of the one you call THE DARK LORD! Isn't that right, Sam?

Sam: He might be...I don't know!

Gimli: The intruder is entering the building, Rangerrrr.

Aragorn: He'll probably be... in the Zen room!

Sam: Well I told you he does like the pipe weed….

<Gandalf suddenly appears in front of them in a puff of smoke of questionable origen…trying to give Aragorn a run for his money?>

Gandalf: Aragorn son of Arathorn, we meet at last.

Sam: Gandalf!

Gandalf: Sam! What are you doing here?

Aragorn: Don't play games, Gandalf. You know perfectly well what Sam Gamgee is doing here. It was part of your plan, was it not? That he and his um…friend…should check the layout for you. Well, unfortunately for you, all the plans are to be changed. I am adaptable, Gandalf; I know Sam is.

Gandalf: I can assure you that Sam's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. Usually he can’t tell his ass from his elbow. I came here to find Boromir.

Sam: Boromir! I've seen him!

Aragorn: Boromir! What do you know of Boromir, Gandalf?

Gandalf: I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. You see Boromir happens to be a member of my fellowship.

<Frodo suddenly looks up from the pile of blankets to see everyone has gathered in the room>

Frodo: Oh fiddlesticks.

Gandalf: Frodo!

Frodo: Gandalf!

Sam: Frodo!

Frodo: Sam!

Aragorn: Legolas!

Legolas: Ai!

Gandalf: Frodo!

Frodo: Gandalf!

Sam: Frodo!

Frodo: Sam!

Aragorn: Legolas!

Legolas: Ai!

Gandalf: Frodo!

Frodo: Gandalf!

Sam: Frodo!

Frodo: Sam!

Aragorn: Legolas!

Legolas: Ai!

<Merry suddenly appears wearing an apron and banging a gong that’s approximately the same size as he is>

Merry: Master, dinner is prepared! Or is it supper….I always get those two confused. No matter. FOOD TIME!!!

Aragorn: Excellent. I’m so hungry I could eat a Balrog.

Galadriel: Food has always played a vital role in life's rituals. Especially those of hobbits. Those little bastards eat like crazed woodchucks on crack. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, life’s rituals: The breaking of the bread, the last meal of the condemned man, and now, this meal…whatever the hell it was…Breakfast? Second breakfast? Elevensies? Luncheon? Afternoon Tea? Dinner? Supper? Oh fuck it….just watch….I need a drink….CELEBORN!!! GET YOUR PONCY ELVISH ASS OVER HERE!!! AND BRING THE WINE!!!

<Everyone, in various states of undress, sits around a large table, looking rather morose>

Aragorn: A toast... to naked elves...

All: To naked elves.

Aragorn: And Legolas. Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Legolas...Shall we?

Gandalf: We came here to discuss Boromir.

Pippin: Boromir?!

Aragorn: That's a rather tender subject. Another slice anyone?

Pippin: Excuse me...

Gandalf: I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I imagined...Rangers, Dwarves, Hobbits, Elves!

Legolas: Ai!

Sam & Frodo: Gandalf!

Aragorn: Go on, Gandalf. Or should I say EVIL MINION OF SAURON!!!?

Sam: Just what exactly are you implying?

Gandalf: It's all right!

Sam: But Gandalf!

Gandalf: It's all right, Sam!!

<Gandalf bursts into song. Not him too!!! That must be some REALLY good pipe weed…>

From the day he was born

He was trouble.

He had a big horn

Wore it at his side.

We tried in vain...

Galadriel:

...but the ring made him go quite insane.

Gandalf:

Lost his mind and then he died.

From the day he left home

All he wanted

Was an oversized shield

And a big white horn

Flirting with Hobbits

Galadriel:

He was a low down cheap little slut!

Gandalf:

Trying to kill Frodo for his ring!

All:

When Boromir said he traveled here from Gondor

You knew he was a no-good kid.

But when he betrayed his king over the stupid ring!

Aragorn:

What a guy!

Frodo:

Make him die.

Gandalf:

And orcs did.

Pippin:

Everybody shoved him.

I very nearly loved him.

I said, hey, listen Boromir

Choose me over that stupid ring!

But he blew the horn and ran away from me.

Gandalf:

But he must have been drawn

Into something,

Making him warn

Me in a note that reads...

All:

What's it say? What's it say?

Boromir's voice:

I'm out of my head.

Oh, hurry, or I may be dead.

They mustn't carry out their evil mission…er…quest….er…THING!!!

All:

When Boromir said he traveled here from Gondor

You knew he was a no-good kid.

But when he betrayed his king over the stupid ring!

Aragorn:

What a guy!

Frodo:

Make him die.

Gandalf:

And orcs did.

All:

When Boromir said he traveled here from Gondor

You knew he was a no-good kid.

But when he betrayed his king over the stupid ring!

Aragorn:

What a guy!

Frodo:

Make him die.

Gandalf:

And orcs did.

Aragorn: Legolas! How could you?

<Aragorn chases Frodo around for awhile and they all end up trapped in the lair where Aragorn chucks randomly attained knives at them and sticks their feet to the floor>

Frodo: My feet! I can't move my feet!

Gandalf: My robes! My God, I can't move my robes!

Sam: It's as if we're glued to the spot!

Aragorn: You are! So quake with fear, you tiny fools! And Gandalf who is actually rather tall…

Frodo: We're trapped!

Gandalf: You won't find Middle Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine. So it’s you who’s been in cahoots with Sauron this whole time!

Sam: You mean...

Gandalf: Yes, Sam, he’s pure evil, packed into a compact, and ruggedly handsome form. Wait did I say that out loud?

Frodo: You mean he's going to send us to Mordor!

Aragorn: You bet your sweet bippy I am! Frodo, Are you frightened?

Frodo: Yes.

Aragorn: Not nearly frightened enough.

<Aragorn begins to tease Frodo by poking him and snickering…immaturity abounds>

Galadriel: And then he cried out…

Frodo: Stop!!!

Sam: You're a ranger, but you better not try to hurt him. I’ll kill you if you try anything!

<Aragorn smacks Sam in he head with the flat edge of his sword>

Gandalf: You're a ranger, but you'd better not try to hurt him. Sam really WILL kill you. He can get really vicious when properly provoked. I’d watch out.

<Aragorn smacks Gandalf in the head with the flat edge of his sword>

Frodo: You're a ranger --

<Aragorn smacks Frodo in the head with the flat edge of his sword>

Pippin: That’s it! I can't stand any more of this! First you spurn me for Boromir, and then you throw him off like an old overcoat for Legolas! You chew people up and then you spit them out again...I loved you…do you hear me? I loved you! And what did it get me? Yeah, I'll tell you: a big nothing….well nothing and a really REALLY good seemingly never-ending supply of pipe weed… but that’s not the point! You're like a sponge. You take, take, take, and drain others of their love and emotion. Yeah, well, I've had enough. You're gonna choose between me and Legolas, so named because of um…his really long legs…hee hee…Legolas…kinda like Lego….I used to play with Lego….build little castles and stuff….anyway, what was I saying….I need a snack, is it dinner time yet…where the hell is my pipe….Merry?

<Aragorn smacks Pippin in the head with the flat edge of his sword>

Aragorn: It's not easy having a good time... even smiling at my own manley displays of brutal violence makes my face ache... and my playthings turn on me...Legolas is behaving just the way that Boromir did. Well, except for that horn blowing business of Boromir’s, which I must admit I did rather enjoy!

Merry: I grow weary of this Inn! When can I return to the Shire?

Aragorn: Merry, I am indeed grateful to both you and Gimli. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours shall not go unrewarded. You will discover that when the mood takes me, I can be quite generous.

Merry: Believe me I’ve seen you being generous, it’s not pretty. I ask for nothing...nothing.

Aragorn: And you shall receive it...in abundance!

Galadriel: And so, by some extraordinary coincidence, fate, it seemed, had decided that Sam and Frodo should keep that appointment with their friend, Gandalf. But it was to be in a situation which none of them would have possibly foreseen. And, just a few hours after announcing their (strictly platonic mind you) love to one another, Sam and Frodo had both tasted forbidden (not to mention a tad overripe) ranger. This in itself was proof that their host was a man of little morals...and questionable hygiene. What further indignities were they to be subjected to? What was going to happen next? In an empty house? In the middle of the night? What diabolical plan had seized Aragorn's crazed imagination? What indeed? I do so hope it involves cross dressing though, which you’d think I’d be sick of since the elves around here, including my husband, do it on a regular basis, but oh well….let’s watch…I need more wine…

Pippin:

It was great when it all began.

I was a regular Ranger fan.

But it was over when he had the plan

To start doing a pointy eared man.

Now the only thing that fills my need

Is my love of a certain weed.

Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

Legolas:

I'm almost 3000 years old,

And truly beautiful to behold.

And somebody should be told

My mad bow skills haven’t been controlled.

Now the only thing I've come to trust

Is watching bad guys bite the dust

Rose tints my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

Sam:

I’m scared! Oh no! Help me Frodo!

I'll be good; you'll see.

Take this dream away.

What's this? Let's see,

Ooh it’s pipe weed!

What's come over me?

Woo! Gotta get some more!

Frodo:

I feel released; bad ring deceased.

My confidence has increased; reality is here.

The nine have been disbanded; my mind has been expanded.

Who am I kidding I’ve gone completely stark raving MAD!!!!

Whoohoo! YAH! Who da hobbit! I’m da hobbit! Go me!!! Babble babble babble….Sam…hold me…preciousssss

Aragorn:

Whatever happened to Arwen?

That delicate, satin draped frame?

As it clung to her thigh

How I started to cry

'cause I wanted to be dressed just the same—and if ANY of you tell ANYONE that I’m going to hunt you down and KILL YOU like the DOGS YOU ARE!!!

Give yourself over to absolute power.

Feel the strange pull of the rings of Dark Lords.

Crazy nightmares, beyond any measure

And freaky daydreams to treasure forever.

Can't you just see it? Oh, oh, oh... oh!

Don't burn it, wear it.

All:

Don't burn it, wear it.

<Gandalf suddenly wakes up from a pipe weed induced stupor>

Gandalf: We've got to get out of this trap before this ring saps our wills. I've got to be strong, and try to hang on, or else my mind may well snap, and my life will be lived... for the precioussssssssss!

Sam:

I’m scared. Oh no. Help me Frodo!

Frodo:

God bless ME! Cuz I’m da Hobbit! GO ME!!! I RULE!!!

Aragorn:

My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my...my!

I'm a wild and an untamed thing.

I'm a man with a deadly ring.

You smoke some pipe weed and your mind goes ping.

Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.

So let the fellowship of the ring go on.

We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.

Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

All:

We're a wild and an untamed thing.

We're hobbits with a deadly ring.

You smoke some pipe weed and your mind goes ping.

Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.

So let the fellowship of the ring go on.

We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.

Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

<Suddenly Gimli and Merry appear at the doorway--Gimli inexplicably is now wearing a helmet shaped like a banana...*shrug*>

Gimli:

Aragorn son of Arathorn, it's all over.

Your mission is a failure;

That dress is just obscene.

I'm your new commander;

You now are my prisoner.

We return to the mines of Moria.

Prepare my ax at once. Och

Aragorn: Wait! I can explain!

On the day I went away...

All:

Goodbye...

Aragorn:

Was all I had to say...

All:

Now I...

Aragorn:

I want to come again, and stay.

All:

Oh, my, my...

Aragorn:

Smile, and that will mean I may.

'cause I've seen, oh, blue skies

Through the tears in my eyes

And I realize, I'm going home.

All:

I'm going home.

Gimli: OCH! Enough with the singing already! Are you a Rangerrr or are you a fairy! Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Och.

Merry: How sentimental.

<In a random act of violence, Gimli swings his ax and cuts off Pippin’s head…sheesh, maybe it’s not just Aragorn who needs the anger management classes…>

Merry: Hey! He was my drinking buddy!

<Gimli just shrugs innocently, Merry looks disgusted>

Gimli: And also presumptuous of you. You see, when I said WE were to return to Moria, I referred only to Merry and myself.

Merry: Wait. You think I’m going to Moria? Hell no! I’m going back to the Shire! I hate Moria. If you want to go, fine but there’s no way in hell you’d ever get me….

Gimli: Och! OCH! Merry! Shut up! You’re rrrrruining the moment here. Anyway, where was I….oh yes. Aragorn, I'm sorry if you found my words misleading, but you see, you are to remain here, in spirit, anyway.

Gandalf: Great heavens! They have a cave troll!

Gimli: Yes, Gandalf. A cave troll capable of emitting a beam of PURE ANTI-MATTER!!!!!

Sam: Well that’s a blatant lie, no mistake.

Gimli: Och, you’re right…that’d be cool though wouldn’t it? Och, nevermind. But still, a cave troll…..ooooh scarrrrrry!!!

Gandalf: He’s right, you saw what became of Boromir.

Frodo: Boromir was killed by orcs…and then again by Aragorn….twice…

Gandalf: Shut up, Frodo.

Gimli: Now, Aragorn son of Arathorn, heir of Isildur, keeper of the sword that was broken and….och, did anyone ever tell you that you have FAR too many names? Your time has come. Say goodbye to all of this, and hello... to oblivion!

<The cave troll has a very impressive fight with Legolas and Aragorn. I won’t bore you with the details, but in the end Legolas and Aragorn both die, how sad. I think I need a moment….ok I’m fine>

Frodo: You killed them! You monster! Oooh look something shiny! La la la!!!

Merry: But I thought you liked them. They liked you.

Gimli: They didn't like me! He never liked ME! I think it was the beard…

Gandalf: Might be the helmet. It is rather off putting…

Gimli: A decision had to be made.

Gandalf: You're O.K. by me. Just disregard that little helmet comment.

Gimli: Gandalf, I'm sorry about um…that guy with the horn and the big shield, what was his name again? Sean Bean?

Gandalf: You mean Boromir? Yes, well, perhaps it was all for the best. He was really beginning to grate on my last nerve.

Gimli: You should leave now, Gandalf, while it is still possible. We are about to collapse the Inn for no reason other than it will look cool and make our way to the Mines of Morrrrrria. Go... Now!

<Gandalf and Sam slowly back out of the room carrying Frodo who seems to have gone completely bonkers in a matter of minutes>

Gimli: Our noble mission is completed, my dear Hobbit, and soon we shall return to the dark abysmal pit of the mines.

Merry: You’ve got to be kidding me. I already told you, you are NOT getting me into those mines. No way, no how.

Gimli: Och! Come on! I don’t want to go alone, I hate being in the dark by myself.

Merry: Bring a flashlight? Drag some other poor sap with you? I don’t care what you do but I’m not going! Besides, I’m already walking all the way back to the Shire BY MYSELF as you took it upon yourself to brutally murder Pippin. Bastard.

Gimli: My ax slipped…?

Merry: Right. Sure it did. Later.

Gimli: Merry! Wait! Come with me please?

Merry: Goodbye Gimli!

<the door slams, the inn collapses around Gimli, the world is suddenly blanketed in darkness>

Gimli: Och.

Galadriel: Well that’s about it, I’m sloshed, how ‘bout you? Was it just me or did that make no sense at all? Maybe it’s just the booze talking. Anyway, I’m out…

Choir of Random Elves :

Middle Earth

Ring of Power

Aragorn’s plans

Have all gone sour

Madness has conquered

Sam and Frodo.

The servants gone to

Mine and Shire

Wo, oh, oh, oh.

At the late night, Middle Earth,

Palantir show.

They’re all such ho’s, ho, ho, ho.

In the late night, Middle Earth,

Palantir show.

THE END

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